hmmm lets see - ok "lost love" Narcissia (11:27 PM) : oh come on... you can do better than that... give me a passing detail to work into it Narcissia (11:27 PM) : and when you say lost love.. do you mean that I've lost hte lover... or a lost lver returns.. Sox (11:28 PM) : no i mean the true heartache of lost love - the kind you get when u come into contact with what people call soulmates and cant complete the circuit Sox (11:28 PM) : and i am not talking sex - i mean love, passion, the pit of your stomach stuff A story by Narcissia My name is Angelina Crux, and I am an American. I'm fastidiously living the American dream--driving a sporty pocket rocket, dressed in designer clothes, partying every night, and going to work for an annonymous corporate master who pays me well enough to keep multi-karoted diamond bracelets dangling from both my wrists. I've made it, and I have everything necessary for my happiness. My checklist of dreams is filled, and its nothing but clear sailing till I save enough to move to the 'burbs and buy a nice house complete with white picket fence, and optional premium family. No regrets in my life...or so I tell myself on those quiet nights before my facade of lies breaks and I cry myself to sleep thinking of him and uttering his name. See, my life wasn't always this ideal. At one time, it was hectic, stressful, and better in ways that I can't even begin to re-imagine. Perhaps you can, and in retelling the tale and seeing the look in your eyes, I'll get a glimpse at what I lost. ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Angie. Angie had a figure that she didn't like---to slim in places where slenderness is undesireable. She didn't like her face--too angular in an era before the heroin-chic look was "in". She didnt' like her mind--it worked too well and its differences set her apart from the other girls and boys in St. Martins children's home. Intelligence was the key to unpopularity... anyone, no matter how ugly, insensitive, or boring, stood a chance at being popular. The wheel of fashion turned so quickly that everyone's traits would eventually become cool. In five, years, Angie's strait-braid hair and flowered dresses, had gone from utterly uncool to quintencientially cool. Angie, however, still possessed the fatal flaw of intelligence-- a disease that caused her to blurt out the answers to any question...before it was asked. She never made any closer friends, as everyone was too afraid of what would happen if they were seen with her. All that free time left her with quite a bit of solitude, which had the effect of concentrating her mind on school. By the age of 12, she graduated highschool. By 19, she'd earned her PH.D and the respect of her peers. And in her ivory tower, possessed with the moniker of 'Lina, she imagined herself happy. Then Gideon walked into her life and made everything a bit more complicated.... <>~~~~~/\~~~~~~~<>~~~~~/\~~~~~~~<>~~~~~/\~~~~~~~<> He stood 6 foot tall, and from shoulder to shoulder, his girth blocked all sunlight in the doorway. Lina looked up from her work, and nearly caught herself from gasping. He smiled slowly at her failure. "Don't wory hun, sometimes I even scare myself." An annoyed look crossed her face, and was soon replaced by wonder as she sized up the collosas that stood before her. clad in black, with a silver tie and silvered shades, he was the epitome of the nuevo noir fashion that was sweeping the nation. His hair was gone, though probably not from natural baldness. A twisted black insignia was pinned on his chest, and two similar looking tattoos crept across his bald head and entwined themselves suggestively together. He flashed a broad smile, aparantly trying to put her at ease. As she perused his body, two idle thoughts popped into her head. The first, a strange feeling that she knew this man, from another time and place. "A happy place where the bunnies frolic and everyone holds hands and sings." she thought with a snort. The second thought was stranger... she found herself wondering in a most unscientific way, just how many tatoos he had, and where they were. To Lina, that thought didn't even deserve a snort, and was quickly buried by attending to the matters at hand... dealing with the mistaken notion he had about her fear. "Who are you?", Lina demanded. No one scared Lina. Not in her own buidling. "They call me Gideon." He said with his face gleaming with what she quickly realized was his trade-mark smile. It was off-center and dimpled his cheeks. It looked simultaniously sly, suggestive, and sorry for itself at the same time. It was the smile of a consumate businesssman, the smile could be used as easily to intimidate as well as to ingratiate. Realizing this. She struggled to put her own clipped smile on her face. "Identification is more than a name." Two can play at this game. "Give me your entire security clearance now, or I will have you shot." A playful threat, researchers could only suggest that someone be shot; executions were beyond their sanction. His smile froze on his face. Aparantly he didn't realize how empty her threat was. It still annoyed her though that the smile hadn't disappeared. The illusion of genialty offended her. He spoke, terse syllables now, "Gideon James, SSE Clearance #2342131-Oh-9-er. Authorization Level Cherubim." Behind her plastic smile, Lina giggled. This man was a peasant compared to her; her authorization level was Niphilim--6 full levels above Cherubim. He continued. "Ms. Crux, I am here by command of Central...to be your supervisor" "What!" she screamed. "They have no authority..." He cut her off with a gesture, and handed her the sealed envelope. Ripping it open and reading the text, she realied the truth in his words. "Damn you, Gideon. Damn you and damn Central. Damn it all!" Lina stomped out of the room, squeezing past Gideon who still stood in the doorway, and slamming the door in his smiling face. <>~~~~~/\~~~~~~~<>~~~~~/\~~~~~~~<>~~~~~/\~~~~~~~<> It was 3am, when the Bastard walked through the door. 'The Bastard' was what Lina had decided to call Gideon in her mind. Always refering to him as "the" and "Bastard" with a capital 'B' in order to seperate him as a bastard among bastards. His bastardliness was a cut above the ordinary run-of the mill bastards that everyone tolerated. In the six weeks since he had arrived, the Bastard had insinuated himself into every crevice of her lab, poking his Central-authorized nose into her business. It wasn't merely his job that annoyed her to no end; the main problem was the way he did it. Always smiling, always cheerful and soft-handed in the face of her threats, complaints and bitter insults. He was proffessional when she was not. To him it was just a job, to her it was a cruel attack on her privacy. She'd fought every one of his intrusive prods, but he won every time. With the smile, his size, and especially the letter from Central, all the balls were in his court. No matter, she thought, he's still a bastard of bastards. The Bastard strolled to her desk with silent cat-like steps. She almost imagined him to be a tiger, stalking, and moving in to pounce. "Lina?" She whipped around in her wheeled chair. He was standing close. Raising her head to stare at what seemed like several stories above, she met his gaze. He gazed benevolently down upon her, like a shepherd peering down at his sheep. With a flash of whites, his mouth remolded itself to assume that manufactured smile that he wore so well. It tugged at her heart, and made her all the more mad because of its appeal. "What is it?" The words ground out from between her teeth. Oh how easily this man inspired rampant emotionalism within her. From what source did he borrow this strange power? Taking of his glasses. She looked into his eyes for the first time. Puppy-dog brown eyes, that oozed nothing but love and concern. Bastard! Who was he to think of her that way? "Are you alright? You look tired." "I'm not." Bastard. "Leave me alone." "If you say so ma'am." He turned on the balls of his feet about to stalk away, then twisting his head back he continued, "Sometimes though, I worry you push yourself too much." "Its none of your business what I do with myself. Leave." Bastard. He left. He always did as she asked. Performing every action to the letter. "Like any loyal hound" she thought, "now is he a retriever, a german shepherd, or a pitbull?" She threw out the last option, despite his appearance, he was definitely not vicious or uncontrolled. She sensed somehow that his concern was genuine, and he would probably go to great lengths to keep her pleased. The thought wasn't wholy undesireable. Lina's love life had been in stasis for a long time. The few courtiers she had were kept at a respectful distance, and languished there at length until they stopped sending presents and eventually stopped hoping for her attention. Sigh. Alone in the room, and without the distracting prescence of the man, she realized he was right. The Bastard was right. She flicked her computer to stand-by, crammed a 1000-sheet report into her bag, and left. That night, unsurprisingly, she murmered in her sleep while dreaming of him dreamed of him. The Bastard with the puppy-dog eyes and the appealing smile. The next day, Gideon was gone. In usual seat, was a note which read: To Ms. Lina: On leave for personal reasons. Will be back soon. ---Gideon James, SSE Clearance #2342131-Oh-9-er. (Authorization: Cherubim) <>~~~~~/\~~~~~~~<>~~~~~/\~~~~~~~<>~~~~~/\~~~~~~~<> Three days later. Lina looked up from a TRS Report and a creame-cheese bagel to see the friendly smiling face of Gideon. She smiled back at him, glad that her make-up she'd worn today concealed her blush. "Miss me, Ms. Lina?" "Like I miss the wind." She'd missed him everyday. Interesting how he'd wormed his way into her heart. Without her knowing it, she'd become attatched to him. The way he broke into a room with a smile, the way he brushed against her (accidentally ofcourse), the way he did everything always. With him in sight, she could forget about the way the world was and reveal in the oh-so insane feelings he conjured within her. He shook his head, and smiled without understanding. The shades were gone, and his puppy-dog eyes stared out at her. Combined with the smile, the sight of him clutched at her heart. A sweet scent filled the air. "Lovely" her heart beat. "Distracting" countered her mind. She had to remain rational, in-control. Without control what was there but chaos? She turned and squezed her eyes shut, blotting him from her mind. She had better things to do. However in trying to stand up, she started to fall. Attempts to stop this fall failed miserably, and she felt her eyes closing fast. With a a murmur she surrendered to the darkness. Lina blinked herself awake underneath the bright florescent glare that filled every room of the office. Gideon's face was naked with his concern. He really was an intriguing fellow. Through fluttering eyes, she saw that for once, he wasn't smiling. "Are you okay Lina?" "I'm fine. I just ..." she lost her train of thought, her mind over-come by the scent. "Lovely." Gideon looked at her quizzically. Unable to speak as his processes were flooded with flashes of *love* *concern* *help* She smiled at him, trying to delete the darker thoughts from his mind. "You... are lovely. Help me get up please." Obdediently wrapping his strong arms around her hips, he pulled her from the floor. His arms were like bands of steel, moved by pnuematics and powered by fusion process.... she'd never felt more comfortable in anything else (and she'd surreptously spent a large part of her salary on form-fitting chairs. She leaned heavily against him, with her head resting against his shoulder. Under other circumstances, this pose might be inappropriate, but considering that she had just fainted, Lina felt it wholy appropriate and even enjoyable. Standing in such close proximity to him, she was asailed by the feeling that this was meant to be. "Are you sure you are okay?" The concern flickering within his eyes once more. Those puppy-dog browns were so suited for that emotion. Lina knew she was fine. The fainting spells were natural---a consequence of her unique brain chemistry. Thus was the price of genius. Loneliness was the other price, but somehow she felt she'd been overtaxed in that department and was soon due a refund. "I couldn't have asked for a better man." she intoned to herself, "this one...this Gideon... he's made to all the specifications I could desire". She giggled internally, reminding herself that she hadn't quite explored all his 'specifications'. There was time enough for that. The feelings of romantic inevitablility that had been dogging her since she'd met Gideon, errupted into full bloom. She couldn't have resisted, if she'd tried. And certainly Lina wasn't trying. She fluttered her eyes, theatrically. "I don't know, perhaps I should go home." Gideon nodded. "Perhaps you should take me home. I probably shouldn't be alone now." Gideon nodded. He was being awful curt. She smiled at him, and let him half guide, half-carry her out and away. <>~~~~~/\~~~~~~~<>~~~~~/\~~~~~~~<>~~~~~/\~~~~~~~<> The next morning, Lina and Gideon arrived together in the the elevator. They had held hands on the way up and both giggled like addicts as they touched. In a way, she thought, I AM addicted to him. Those three days, I was gone, I realized it and hated myself for it. I'd grown attatched to him, and felt somewhat lost and lessened without him. I wonder if he does. "I do", he said with a smile. Responding to her bewildered look, he said "I didn't read your mind. I couldn't even if I had gift, your mind is too complicated to understand. To many threads of thought working at once." Leaning down, he tucked an escaping strand of hair back behind her ear. "I just read your body. You look uncertain when you shouldn't be. I love you as much as you love me. I'll never leave you" "And you don't aspire to love me more than I love you?" "No Lina, I don't. I can't. You have too big a heart." "Hmm...not usually. But being around you expands me, and right now, my big heart is fluttering like a hummingbird's. You know, I've lived such an anti-septic existence. Living in this lab, you forget that there are more things in this world than work. We're told so often to keep it clean, to look out for the companies best interests that we never look towards our own. I love you Gideon. With at you, the smell of amonia doesn't sting me so, and all I smell are roses." He smiled that winning smile, and drew close as the elevator door opened. "Lina my love...." "Yes my beau?" she said, her heart cranking up a notch and her eyes watering. It did smell like roses. Roses to the 10th power. "Was this the smell of love?" she thought. The elevator announced it had reached the 9th floor. "This is our floor" said he. "The top floor" said she. They smiled. They kissed, and to everyone who worked with them on that floor, there was no doubt that Lina was in love. Only one who doubted it at all was Lina herself. <>~~~~~/\~~~~~~~<>~~~~~/\~~~~~~~<>~~~~~/\~~~~~~~<> The next few months were a hurricane. Lina and Gideon lived in the eye of the storm, untouched by its power. Everyone else though, suffered. The world was slowly dying, or so it seemed with the Lunar Flu spreading in every major population area. The worker population in their office had steadily dwindled, as more individuals fell ill with this ellusive plague. A steady pile of missives from Central started to pile outside Lina's door. They were ignored, her personal project was too important to be diverted by the whims of Central. Gideon supported her, giving subtly false reports to Central and buying her time to make a breakthrough. Lina's project was what other considered impossible---creating a vaccine for the Lunar Flu. To this end, she ignored the demnads of the Central committee. It imperiled her life, but to Lina and now to Gideon as well, the vaccine was more important than the designer genetic enhansments that Central wanted her to whip up. She worked steadily, but always as a solution seemed within reach, it slipped away. Eventually she would find the key to cracking the vaccine, but she needed more time. Gideon bought that time for her and she loved him for it. Yet all good things come to an end, and Lina's came faster than most. A missive came from Central couldn't be ignored. It arrived in the form of 3 black clad, silver shaded men, all who's faces possessed an eire resemblace to Gideon's. As they stolled through the door way, the air saturated itself with a sweet scent. Her vision blurred and everything within sight was reduced to a single black dot. <>~~~~~/\~~~~~~~<>~~~~~/\~~~~~~~<>~~~~~/\~~~~~~~<> When she awoke, Gideon was gone. In his usual seat was a note. Reading it: To Ms. Lina. Gideon James was removed from the premises for overstepping the bounds of his authority. Consider him to be on indefinite leave. Note, however, this should not affect your current unauthorized research in the field of immunology. Your vaccine shows promise. Continue. ---Central Committee. SSE Clearance #010101010. (Authorization: Scepter) "BASTARDS!" she spit the word vehemently into the air. Wearied by the effort, she slumped over a lab table, and began to tremble in tears. He was gone. Forever this time. The saying went "Central makes lives and breaks them just as easily." No one crossed Central, and lived happily ever after. Away from the closeness of Gideon, her true mind re-asserted itself, and she realized the the truth of that saying. Even the torent of tears that flowed from her eyes, didn't wash away that realization. Rather than helping her cope with the new reality. The thought burned her, boring a hole into her mind where hope should have been. Gideon was gone. Dead or alive, he wasn't coming back, and without him, she was missing a part of herself. She found the vaccine, and revealed in the praise, but returning home, had no one to celebrate with. ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ The name Lina stung. Every instance in which it was uttered, felt like a fresh wound being opened in my heart. Lina was what he called me, maybe not exclusively, but it still felt attatched to his memory. Its been two year since Gideon vanished from my life. Central is mum about his whereabouts, and thus I hold the hope within my heart that he is still alive somewhere thinking about me. I know I am thinking about him. Neither Angie, or Lina. I became Angelina. Hard. Successful. Heroine to all and living the dream. But, When I cry myself to sleep... I utter one name..."Gideon, Gideon, Gideon, Gideon, Gideon, Gideon" He's never left me. ----------The End---------